Sincerely

It all startled unexpectedly… From the very same day of last year, was the day we startled the journey together, brings our heart together as one… From the fourth week when I startled my polytechnic school life, was the day I met you… I still very much remember that I took quite a good long look at you when you were wearing that serious attractive eyes of yours while playing, and the unique birth mark on your hand either of these made me seriously took notice of you… I still remember clearly that shy look you wore when you approach me to talk, till now even when you told me ” I Love You ” the same sincere shy look still wearing on your face…

When I offered my help to print your past exam papers, not only create a chance for both of us, it also create a start for us… Though during that time, I wasn’t in a good shape, you still gave me the warm console that I most needed at that time before I knew, my lips was on yours…

Through the journey, dunno should say is good or bad… Nearly three quarter of last year wasn’t exactly a smooth ride for both of us… First was a triangle connection with both of us with another guy, yet I was hesitating if I’m making the right choice to choose either sides. Yet I’m feeling extremely headach and guilty about choosing either one and hurt the other one but I didn’t wanna choose for the sake of making a choice to be attached. I told myself if I wanna start a relationship, I wanna commit to it not for the sake of having it… I hurt you deeply, I didn’t know in such a short period of time, you became so attached to me… I trust myself, my own decision and startled the journey with you…

Second, came to the seed of the problem which I had intitally even before the relationship startled… I cut things short, even till now, I still have nightmare when I think back… Countless times I broke down, so lost and helpless that all I know was to sat down and cry… The tears I had wasn’t for myself but for my best friend, my boyfriend and a admirer… I failed at my own judgment at problems… I dunno how to solve nor helped the situation by doing anything… There’s a time when I felt so helpless that I pushed you away from me, and threw myself deeper into the problem… The only thing, I could think of was to save you from all the troubles and worries that I brought to you or created to you… Causing all the heartach and sadness to you, was the most unwilling thing that I could have done to you and I caused further pain and sadness to you by raising up a break… That was the most unforgettable night I had in my life… All the hold backs and tears, in the end I realized I couldn’t bear to break with you nor to leave you… I told myself to at least trust this guy in front of me, to go through this hardship barrier with me, if he is willing to go through all these with me…

The problem though had slowly died off but the side effects didn’t left me alone… I lost my best friend and the others… All I left was my boyfriend, his family and my family… After the problem was solved, nightmare came visiting almost everyday… Everytime when I woke up from nightmare, I couldn’t remember wad happen yet I still feel the guilty and fears in me… I gave alot of worries to my boyfriend again… Its like he never had a peace moment with me, I’m full of troubles and problems in me waiting for him to handle and solve…

Recently, for the past 2 months, everything seems alright… I’m much better, not so much of nightmare though once in a fortnight will have… but when I saw the green turtle that he gave me, I feel his presence… I feel as though he is with me, telling me there’s nothing to be scared of when he is with me… The green turtle that he gave me, helped me alot, the green turtle always reminds me of assurance and warm that he always readily to provide me with… Today, 9th June 2008 is our 1st anniversary… Juz alone him remember today is our anniversary, is already the best anniversary present I ever receive cuz what he had done for me, is so much appreciated by me… To be honest, I really really love this guy alot and it touches me for all what he done for me and to stand by me for the past 1 year… I wish to be spending the rest of my life with him and I assure that I wouldn’t feel a single slight regret at all… cuz I trust him…

Tama-chan

~ by Shiruetto on June 10, 2008.

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